[ After the lights go out from the last scene, the stage is redressed with a huge (cardboard) floating Pentagon. Inside the floating pentagon are two pairs of khaki slacked polished black shod legs, they wear it like a two-man horse costume. ]
General Electric. General, thank you for coming. I apologize for the inconvenience having you flown here right after landing in New York. There’s a problem.
General Tourette’s. Lake Erie on Fire! Couldn’t we have just talked over the phone?
G.E. That’s the problem sir, Anonymous attacked them.
G.E. They’re a hacker group sir. Related to the Occupy Movement.
G.T. Mobilize the troops!
G.E. What? Didn’t you get the memo?
G.T. When I say mobilize, you say yes sir. And when I say troops, you count your blessings and ask how many!
G.E. General Tourette’s sir, the troops have been incapacitated in the field.
G.T. Monsters! Those Al Queida are real bastards, how many heads did they get?
G.E. Not decapitated. Incapacitated sir. Remember the recent standard issue revision from (standard issue rifle) to (fake rifle name and number)?
G.T. Of course, that little upgrade cost us a fortune! Now what about it?
G.E. It locked up.
G.T. Locked up!?
G.E. If you remember, our new recruits were issuing complaints that the rifles used in combat weren’t realistic feeling enough. You see, they had been trained on virtual consoles. Video games, sir.
G.T. Good good good, good vibrations! I know what they are.
[ video projectors project war themed video games onto the pentagon ]
G.E. Correct sir. The recruits were used to a certain vibration from the controllers. The kickback from actual rifles was proven too much for them to handle. Their brains were already trained on a softer form of vibration. So many civilians were shot and wounded.
G.T. Donald Duck in Mathematic-land! Hush. That Julian Asange may be around. You never know when the White Knight will strike.
[ image of wikileaks news coverage on the pentagon ]
G.E. We had our arms manufacturers fashion the new recruits with a new series of standard issue equipment designed to solve the problem by locking the rifle to the soldier’s chest and wrist. The guns also had an anti-chock mechanism, an uneven rotating weight, to counter-act the recoil.
G.T. Good idea!
G.E. Not so fast sir. The locks were found to freeze when the gun is fired and the anti-shock rolling cores were activated, jamming the locks. The soldiers are all stuck on the field. Any soldier who fires his or her weapon is rendered incapacitated.
G.T. Al Queida!
G.E. Sir, when was the last time you had a hearing check-up?
G.T. It’s completely normal General Electric, Flightless Kacapo! I just watched a lot of TV when I was a kid. War shows were always my favorite. Always turned those up extra loud to feel the vibrations!
G.E. Ah. [ kicks the floor ]
G.T. Give me a minute. I’ll have this fixed in no time.
[ a phone ring is heard in the theater speakers, a click is heard, the phone is picked up by none other than Donald Rumsfeld, clips of his torturous philosophic odysseys are heard such as “there are knowns, and there are unknowns,” ]
G.E. What just happened.
G.T. Don’t you worry. Good old Rummy just cleared everything up. M&M Sandcastle! Let’s go outside. There’s a terrible echo in this place. Some fool keeps shouting random nonsense.
[ with the lights out: end scene ]